


Let Us Not

by bloominsummer



Series: The World for You [2]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Monogamy, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-20 16:14:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9499712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloominsummer/pseuds/bloominsummer
Summary: Brian has been acting weird, Justin can't help but think the worst. Maybe that's why he's more than pleasantly surprised with the outcome of things at the end.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this fic.

The heavy footsteps and the slight creak made by sliding of the loft’s metal door are enough to warn Justin that Brian’s home. He starts to clean the mess he’s made on the living room; he tends to draw things, anything that catches his attention, to distract him from thinking about Brian. By the amount of drawings scattered on the coffee table and the floor around it, it’s clear that its all he’s been doing for the past couple of hours.

Brian has been on the edge for the last two weeks and Justin is as clueless as ever. As usual, staying true to his operating manual, Brian just sulks silently and refuses to approaches the subject, dodges Justin’s attempts at having any conversation with him, which is ridiculous considering they actually live together and share the same bed. It’s been almost nine months since Justin came home after two and a half years in New York, not staying there a second longer than necessary. He’s gained enough contact and decided, for both Brian and his’ sake that, he could always paint in Pittsburgh. The long distance relationship was not made for couples who rely heavily on each other’s presence and physical intimacy, such as themselves. Being near the source of his inspiration is just an added bonus to Justin. Obviously, Brian pushes back ten times harder and it took a lot of convincing and persuading on Justin’s part to get him to agree with the decision.

Still, no one can say that Brian isn’t determined and stubborn as hell when it comes to doing the things he wants to do. For example, if Brian simply does not want to talk, then no conversation what so ever is going to happen between them about that particular topic. His resilience is inspirational and yet it is most frustrating for his partner at times like this.

So Justin wonders, what is it this time? He prays that it’s not the Big C, because he’ll go to church and pick a fight with whomever is responsible for it, for causing Brian more pain. He also prays, more fervently, that it’s not Brian getting bored of him or simply having another freak out over the seriousness of their relationship. The latter seems to be the most plausible explanation at the moment and Justin hates the fact that this is still the case for them even after all the years they’ve been together.

Brian stops next to him, flops himself down on the sofa and stares at Justin. Justin stares back.

“Hey,” Brian starts. 

Justin wants to burst right then, ask him what the fuck is going on or outright demand an explanation, but Brian looks at him from under his dark lashes and Justin’s gone.

“Hey,” Justin leans in for a quick kiss while brushing a lock of brown hair falling on Brian’s face. "You hungry? I’ve eaten already but I can fix you something. I think.”

“Mhm, I’m good. You’ve been drawing,” he replies, raising an eyebrow at Justin.

There’s a question in Brian’s statement: why? He reaches across to get some of the papers on the table and flips them over carefully, examining Justin’s creations.

“Yeah, well, it keeps my mind off things,” he shrugs.

“What things?”

Shit, that was direct. But it’s now or never, Justin thought to himself. The last thing he wants is to push Brian too hard that he will leave because that’s just the hardest part of doing this with Brian, seeing him walk away and looking at his retreating back helplessly. However, if he doesn’t say it now, then this-whatever this is, will probably just drag on forever. Justin musters up what little courage he has, and asks.

“What’s going on with us?” he says.

Brian frowns, looking like he’s already planning the quickest route out of the room and the conversation.

“What do you mean?”

“Bullshit. You know what I mean. You’ve been distant for awhile. And.. and.. like, I don’t have a clue why? I thought things were good, that we were good. I know we were good. I mean. I know it was for me. I just.. what?” Justin stops at Brian giving him a pointed look.

Brian groans in reply, throws his head back and pull a cushion to cover his face. That’s a cue that he would rather not continue this conversation and wants Justin to leave it be. Justin waits, not ready to give up but at the same time not wanting to force a confession out of his lover.

“I needed some space.. to think some things over.”

“It would be nice if you told me this beforehand,” he says softly, because for Brian to admit what he actually feels is a rare occurrence, although it is not a new concept to him.

“I didn’t know how to say it,” Brian tries.

“Well, how about, ‘Hey Justin, I need some space to think some things over? Don’t freak out, I will tell you as soon as I can and am ready.’ That would’ve been fine. That would’ve been great, even. Playing guess what I’m thinking now game all over again, wondering what’s the matter with you, knowing that it might be the illness again or I don’t know, something worse. So-“

Brian cuts him off. “What do you mean, something worse?”

“I didn’t mean anything in particular. And don’t cut me off, pleas-”

“Yes, you did.”

Justin just sighs. This stubborn asshole. He really loves Brian with all that he’s got, even if that’s not much at all, but sometimes he really has to fight the urge to strangle him.

“Alright, maybe this time you’ve really grown tired of my ass and wants to kick me out, not because of anything but the sole reason of just not wanting me around anymore?”

It came out weak, Justin’s insecurities pouring out like water from a leaking pipe.

“That’s stupid, even for you.” The words were harsh, although Brian’s arms suddenly embracing Justin were anything but. Justin settles in, lets Brian pull him on top of his body, rolling them back against the sofa.

“Well what the hell was I supposed to think!”

“I don’t know, maybe that after all these years I’ve learnt my lesson that I have always and will always want to be with you as long as you’ll have me?” Brian says this into his hair and the note of hurt and disappointment is there. Justin bets if he tilted his head up, he can see it expressed in Brian’s eyes as well.

“You’re fucking with my mind right now. First you said you needed to think things over and now this. So just come out with it already. Get it done and over with, whatever it is. I can take it.”

Justin prepares for it. Readies himself. Thinks of counter arguments for any shit Brian tries to come up with. 8 years going, one would think Brian will run out of topics and reasons for them not to be together, but he’s proven to be quite the creative mind. Justin mentally has his battle armour ready, but it drops as soon as he hears the words coming out from Brian’s mouth.

“Let’s not fuck around.” 

He states it clear, like it’s a fact. Like, today is January 10, Justin. Don’t play with fire because it’s hot, Justin. Let’s not fuck around, Justin. 

“Wait, what?” he wriggles a bit, craning his neck to get a look of his lover’s expression to see whether he’s serious or not. Brian lets him and looks at him right back.

“I said: let’s not fuck around. Don’t make me repeat it again.”

“No, I heard what you said.”

Confusion must have materialises on Justin’s face as he lets his brain comprehend what Brian just said. What he’s proposing. No, what he’s stating, demanding, writing on stone.

“Well?” Brian pushes a golden strand of hair out of Justin’s face and lets his hand rest there for awhile, stroking his thumb absentmindedly on the blond’s cheekbone and along the prominent jawline.

“I do believe I deserve a more elaborate explanation. After all, we haven’t fucked in a week with you sulking by yourself and everything.”

This didn’t come from nowhere, so fuck if Justin’s not going to the bottom of things, so to speak, before agreeing to anything.

“I want to fuck you raw. The only way to do that is if we’re monogamous, so let’s not fuck around and we can do it.”

He wants to laugh, because the answer is so Brian, he almost buys it.

“The whole truth now, please.”

Brian simply pulls him back down.

“I hate this shit you pull when you think you can see right through me and my bullshit because you just seem not to buy my words even at times I’m telling you the truth! Justin, I’m serious.”

He does not reply, prodding Brian to continue with his silence.

“What do you want me to say? That we went to Babylon a couple of weeks ago and you went to dance and this trick takes your arm, put it around his waist and you let him, all the while I was seething with rage and fuck- jealousy? Michael laughed at me the whole week, annoyingly reminding me how ‘whipped’ I was every chance he got. He also kindly mentioned, every time he teased me, that he had suggested that I find a release on my own and I was actually drunk enough to admit, out loud, that I hadn't want to fuck anyone but you in forever,” he says.

“I wanted to defend myself to Michael. Say, it’s really not my fault that with you back here nagging me for every free second I have and Kinnetik’s rocketing to the sky that I barely have had any chance to go out and find tricks. Then I realise that the problem is: I just figure I don’t really want to anymore. I was scared shitless finding out about this. Why does the thought of having the same ass and the sucking the same dick for the rest of my life not petrify me? Hence, I needed to think things over.”

Justin is so glad he’s the one who has his head on Brian’s chest and not the other way around, because Brian’s is not that good of an actor that he can fake the thumping sounds his heart is making against his ribcage as he admonishes the truth. Justin is also glad because he knows his heart is making a bigger deal about this right now.

“Oh,” is all he manages to reply.

“Yeah, oh. Is that it?"

“Give me a minute, I need to process it first.”

More like, give me a minute to calm down because I don’t think I can manage more than two sentences without my voice breaking and my body starts shaking right now, Justin thought.

“I was the one who had to say that shit, why are you the one who needs to process it? Fuck off,” but he laughs, and the rumbles coming from Brian's chest reach Justin and manage to calm him down a bit.

“That would beat the whole point of your proposition. Uh, well, okay. Brian, you’re against monogamy. You’ve always said it is a concept made by heterosexuals to lie to each other and that we don’t need that shit between us. Since when do you want this for us? For yourself? I mean, even if we actually do this, it’s not that I’m going to hold you to it forever, you can just go back to tricking whenever you’d like.”

Justin’s not trying to challenge him, he’s not saying no, he’s just pleasantly surprised by this development. He’s grown to understand over the years that monogamy simply does not equal loyalty. Brian has been loyal, devoted and most of all, there. He’s thankful for it, stops demanding Brian for things he won’t-not can’t-give him, although he would be lying if he says he had stopped wanting them for himself. But, he doesn’t want this for Brian if Brian doesn’t want it for himself, so he does what a good partner would do: talk it out. The respond he receives is predictable.

“You really know how to kill a moment.” Brian’s hands leaves Justin’s back to rub at his eyes and covers his face, and Justin misses the warmth as soon as they are gone.

“We were having one?” he asks innocently, trying to lighten up the mood.

“Justin, first of all, I was full of shit. Quote me to anyone else and I will annihilate your ass. I.. don’t know. I don’t have the answer to everything, you know? It’s not like I wake up one morning and made the conscious decision to only want you, but I know it when I don’t feel all hot and bothered when random guys try to cop a feel on Babylon’s dance floor. I know it when we fucked and I look forward to see your sated, satisfied smile afterwards, internally congratulating myself for putting it there. I know it when the business is driving me insane and I want to go home, it’s to you, and not go to Woody’s, or Babylon, or the baths, or..”

It’s Justin’s turn to cut him off. “I get it. That’s a pretty nice visual actually."

“I love you,” is the soft reply whispered to his ear.

The declaration came from nowhere, it hits Justin square in the chest and knocks the breath out of him. He’s lightheaded already, if he tries to stand up now, he’s pretty sure his face will get very uncomfortably acquainted with the hardwood. 

“Ugh, fuck. You’re not playing fair. You’re throwing me an offer to be monogamous with you and now you're declaring your undying love for me. You could ask me to colour the Great Wall with crayons and I would, Brian. I would.”

“So, that a yes?”

The question is hopeful and vulnerable it almost doesn’t sound like Brian. What great deed did Justin do in his previous lifetime to deserve this? Justin thanks the all-powered being, whatever or whoever it is who’s responsible for this moment. He leans up to kiss Brian, answering the question presented to him with the only way he knows how. It reminds him of the night they had made their arrangement on the dance floor of Babylon. _You can fuck whoever you want, as long as it’s not twice, same for me_. Well, Justin’s really glad they can cross that rule off the list.

They meet halfway and Brian’s tongue swipes Justin’s lips, asking for permission to enter. Justin moans into the kiss as he lets Brian explore his mouth although he pulls back a little soon enough, because Justin being Justin, he still needs to set the record straight.

“Does that answer your question? So, how do we do this? We go get tested, wait a couple months, and then, bye-bye extra cash for condom?”

So he’s excited for this, so what? He’s allowed to, right? Might as well plan it out.

“Thank fuck, your expensive allergy-free condoms is costing me more than the rent of that shithole you used to live in. Which reminds me of how pathetic the starving artist phase was. There wasn’t even hot water there.”

“Hey, mind your own business, that was my palace,” he says, shoving at Brian’s shoulder playfully.

“Palace for beggars, maybe.” Brian smirks.

Justin decides to give it up for now since Brian’s has been a really good boy today, and settles back into the crook of his neck, tracing his fingers across Brian’s collarbones and chest, making random patterns, etching them to the tanned skin.

“Justin?”

“Yeah?”

“I might have gone ahead and get myself tested since I didn’t want to come and propose things to you when I couldn’t give you everything and then it would be hypocritical and shitty. So, I went. And I’m clean. Which is basically saying water is wet, since my dick barely touches other asses or mouths but yours in the last nine months.”

This time, he huffs out a laugh. Brian surprises him more every time he speaks and he shows no signs of stopping even now. It is quite amazing, to think of it.

“Wow. You really mean it.”

“Did you think I didn’t before?” Was that a hint of hurt?

“No, no. I know you did. But just not how much. You really took the time to think things through, yeah? I’ll go tomorrow, okay?”

He looks up to see Brian in his genuine happiness expression, his eyes shining making the hazel irises more accentuated than ever. He’s biting is lower lip and Justin thought: _fuck, I’m so lucky._

“You up for a little celebrating, or are you way past your teenage years and have no more stamina? Because I would understand if you have trouble keeping up with me. It’s totally fine,” Brian says.

Ass.

Justin leans backward to raise his eyebrow at Brian, then yanks his lover up with him, guides them to the bedroom and pushes Brian roughly onto it.

By the time he’s done, Brian has zero complaint what so ever about Justin’s stamina.

 

* * *

 

 “So, today’s the day.”

The day has finally arrived. As promised, Justin went to get himself tested the day after Brian’s proposition, he got the results a week later, and that had been three months ago. They’ve waited almost dutifully for twelve weeks, per instruction, before they can finally really do it.

Justin’s been fidgeting all day, it is only natural that it was the first thing he says to Brian when he gets home. Brian looks at him for a moment, silently notes the fleck of blue paint on Justin’s cheek that makes him look even more angelic in the lighting of the loft. Brian shrugs off his coat and puts his bag on the floor, but does not give his lover any indication that he, too, has been bouncing with anticipation all day.

“It seems that I don’t know what you’re referring to?” Brian tries to go for nonchalant, but in truth the playful tone doesn’t fool Justin for one second.

“Haha. Very funny. Who’s laughing, Brian? Come on,” he tugs as Brian’s hand, Brian’s tie, Brian’s shirt. He needs them off, and he needs them off right about now.

“Jesus. The young generation is always so impatient nowadays. At least feed me first, Justin.”

“You can eat dinner after you eat my ass.”

Justin tugs harder this time. Brian raises an eyebrow, but he relents.

He’ll follow Justin everywhere, anywhere, and if that place happens to be their bed, he’ll happily go there, too. Justin pushes him onto his back and suddenly his shirt disappears along with his pants, and Justin’s hands are everywhere, leaving Brian feeling hot where he touches him. Justin kisses his way up from Brian’s crotch to his stomach, his chest, his collarbone, neck, cheek, and then stops.

“I really, really love you. And I love that you love me too, enough for this.”

The seriousness in Justin’s voice and the determination in his eyes rang loud and clear for Brian. He’s not joking, he’s being totally serious and Brian should take note of this, verbatim, because Justin loves him (he really, really does). He does nothing but stares at Justin for awhile, only replying after his chest doesn’t feel like bursting out anymore. He opts for the safest answer, deflecting with bullshit so that the conversation doesn’t go any deeper.

“I’m actually doing it for me, but I have no complaints if this is the way you’re expressing your gratitude.”

Justin being Justin, he sees right through Brian and cuts his crap.

“And I love you for that, too.”

Justin leans in for a kiss; the illusion breaks. When they open their eyes again, they know their expressions match: one full of lust. Brian positions himself a little higher on the bed with Justin straddling his waist, ready to go. Justin’s hand finds his easily because that’s how it is with them now. He latches their fingers together and Justin pushes himself down onto Brian, consuming him right to the hilt all the while not taking his eyes off of Brian for one second. Brian feels like he can pass out right there and then, die even, from the pure feel of Justin around him, the feel of being inside him. He would’ve had no regrets.

Justin kisses him again and again, moving painfully slow for Brian’s liking. There’s way too much feeling in this, it’s no longer fucking, it's closer to making love. Brian realises this and panics for a split second. Luckily, Justin distracts him at the right time by bucking his hips up and Brian’s thoughts quickly dissolves. Then again, who can blame Brian when his resolve falters just a couple minutes later simply from the divine experience of Justin’s ass clenching around his naked cock? Brian grips Justin’s waist so hard he knows it will leave a mark and Justin knows, Justin always knows when Brian’s about to come so he mashes their mouth together and continues to ride Brian through his orgasm, joining his lover not long afterwards.

“I have never came that fast since high school,” he admits as Justin crawls on top of him, his hair tickling Brian’s chin, his skin sweat-slicked, glowing. He strokes the golden locks which he notes smelled like his shampoo, a fact that makes him feel a certain kind of warmth in his chest.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, I mean, that was definitely top three of the thousands, maybe even ten of thousands fuck we ever had.”

He agrees, but Justin is completely missing the point. Ashamed? Fuck no.

“I’m most certainly not ashamed. I just wish we could beat that record again before tonight ends.” He doesn’t have to see Justin’s face to know that he’s sporting a grin at this revelation.

“And you said we young ones don’t have patience. Relax, Brian, you can beat your record from time to time. We only have forever, after all. Maybe next time it’s my turn to break my personal best.”

Brian really likes the sound of forever, he almost curses himself for it. Really, Kinney? Is this what Justin has reduced you to? Justin looks up, the smile on his face successfully wipes the question off his mind. Without realising it, Brian find himself agreeing with the younger man.

“Yeah, it’d be nice not doing all the work around here for a change. Round two is on you.”

He knows Justin is gaping at him, chooses not to look and just closes his eyes to savour the moment. He likes surprising Justin because even though he’s more open, more communicative, more mature now than he had been in the earlier years of their relationship, Justin still manages to find it in himself to be shocked each and every time Brian does even the slightest bit romantic gesture, or lets himself be vulnerable around Justin. He hears a soft sigh, followed by Justin’s exasperated grumble.

“One of these days, I’m going to make the headline. ‘Young Artist Found Dead: Shocked by His Lover Romantic Tendencies’ A tragic story, really, I haven’t even broke the world with my art, yet.”

God, Justin should have pursued performing arts instead of painting.

“Stop flattering yourself, you’re not that young anymore anyway. Also, you’re the only ass around here I’m fucking, so once in a while it might be good for you to return the favour. It is only fair and logical that we receive equal treatments.”

That was weak, even for Brian. He knows that it’s bullshit. If he knows, then Justin knows. He also knows that it’s a big thing for Brian, as topping him is a privilege only Justin gets to enjoy, every once in a blue moon. He protects his ass harder than the Secret Service does the President.

“Woah, that must be the biggest lie ever told. You don’t even let anyone near your ass with glass dildo, much less the real thing, except for me. Occasionally.”

The ‘occasionally’ is added hesitantly, like Justin’s making sure he’s not crossing a line, trying to thread lightly on the conversation. Brian just wants to throw him off his course again.

“You’ve always been the exception,” he declares.

“Are you trying to get me on the headline as soon as possible, one way or another? Shut up, Jesus.”

“I recall a young man who wanted nothing but to hear these words I’m saying right now. What happened to him?”

The question is genuine, now that Brian has less problems expressing what he feels, it might be good to know that Justin still wants to hear them.

“You’re just making me blush too much, the constant blood flow to my face isn’t good. As for the boy, he grew up and fell in love with all the ways his partner declares his commitment silently, too. Now let’s go eat so that I can have my turn. I can’t wait for too long.”

Justin kisses the tip of Brian’s nose and gives him a nudge, starting to get up to get dinner over with. He has already walked to the stairs when he hears Brian call out his name.

“Justin?”

“Yes,” he says, looking back.

“I love you.”

“I’m about to have my naked cock up your ass, Brian. I have a pretty good idea how you feel about me,” he deadpans.

He’s a smart ass, what else is new? Brian sighs inwardly and gives up, closing his eyes to let them rest for awhile. He doesn’t even hear the soft steps Justin makes on his way back to the bed before finding his personal space crowded by the blond, peppering kisses on every inch of bare skin his mouth can find.

“Thanks for saying it, though. Now seriously, let’s go eat so we can go back to business.”

He takes Brian’s hand and takes him into the kitchen. Brian, of course, relents.

In the morning, Brian throws out the expensive hypoallergenic condom box to the trash, noticing the box is still half full. It should feel like he’s throwing away money, but when he looks back, sees Justin sprawled on the bed like a work of art and at the same time feels the welcomed soreness in his ass, he couldn’t be bothered to give a damn.


End file.
